It can feel like you’re walking a tightrope when you are forced to speak of sexual compatibility. It’s not something many people like to do, but it’s important for developing strong, and health relationships. This conversation was hard for me and I learned a lot. So let’s take a look into what makes these talks hard, and how to do them better.
Why Sexual Compatibility Is So Hard To Talk About
Sexual compatibility has to do with linking together well in their intimate moments. This is about personal preferences, boundaries and how you express your wants. It’s not easy talking about it. Here's why:
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Fear of Rejection: The biggest fear is what your partner will respond when you suggest a trial of joint custody. What if they don’t have the same interests or likes? Or worse how do you know they won’t be offended.
-
Uncertainty About Desires: You can be in some cases even don’t even know what you like or need. This can get in the way of explaining your thoughts well.
-
Embarrassment: The topic of sex can be uncomfortable to talk about so open, society often views them as a private topic. They may be worried about being judged.
-
Cultural or Social Pressure: Some people are conditioned about sex, and what the person their conditioned to have sex with may not line up with what they partner expects. This creates tension.
Related: What is the biggest problem in long-distance relationships?
How I Handled My Own Talk About Sexual Compatibility
When I had to talk to my partner about our sexual compatibility I remember a very s p e c i f i c time. It just didn’t feel quite right, and we’d dated for a few months already. The first thing was it wasn't all the way there. So I knew that I needed to address it.
At first, I felt nervous. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings and I didn’t know how to put it across. I figured honesty was key. If not, things may get worse.
Step 1: Choose the Right Moment
Timing matters. I didn’t want to bring this conversation up during an argument or while being distracted. It was us at home, relaxed, and in a safe space. We had the time and gravitas to have a serious talk.
Step 2: Be Honest but Gentle
I began the talk by saying what I was feeling. I told my partner that I loved being with them, but there was room for improvement in some of our sex life. Instead of blaming them for what they do, or words to that affect: “You don’t do this right,” I told them: “I really feel like there are things that we could go even further if we tried a couple new things.”
In this way I felt like I told them that it really had nothing to do with them as a person, but more so to improve our relationship as a whole.
Step 3: Ask and Listen
That wasn’t all that was about what I wanted. I also had to ask them how they felt. I would ask questions such as: “Is there anything that you’d like to try, or change?” and “How do you feel about our connection in the bedroom?”
This was just as important. You let them know that you were willing to listen to their thoughts and invest in that relationship to work for both of you.
Step 4: Set Boundaries and Respect Each Other’s Limits
Setting clear boundaries was one of the most important parts of this talk. I knew there were some things I wasn't comfortable with and told them. I respected their boundaries, as well, at the same time.
The most important thing that needs to be done is that neither partner felt unimportant and no one is forced into something they’re not ready to do.
Step 5: Keep the Conversation Going
You don’t figure out sexual compatibility in one conversation. It’s an ongoing process. After our talk we started staying in touch to follow up and see how things were going. And we were sure to also talk about what was working and wasn’t.
Related: How do small acts of kindness impact our daily interactions and relationships?
Improving Sexual Compatibility in a Relationship
If you’re struggling with sexual compatibility, here are some steps you can take to improve it:
-
Communicate Openly: Don’t avoid the topic. It won't quite be easy but you must talk openly about what you want, what you prefer, what you need.
-
Be Patient: Sexual compatibility doesn’t start right away. It’s okay; you will need time to understand.
-
Experiment Together: There are literally endless ways to touch each other, in new positions, or in new ways and trying new things can help you learn more about each other.
-
Respect Boundaries: Both partners should always feel comfortable. Nobody should be forced to do anything he or doesn’t want to do.
-
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If the thing about sexual compatibility is deeper, think about speaking with a relationship or sex therapist. You will also be able to get strategies to better help you connect with them.
-
Keep the Emotional Connection Strong: Often the emotional attachment between partners equals the sexual compatibility. Revisit your bedroom, but also spend time nurturing your relationship outside the bedroom. The more emotional that you are, the stronger a physical connection will be.
A Few Real-Life Examples
Let me share a couple of real-life examples to help illustrate what these talks can look like:
-
Example 1: Different Needs in Bed
I know one couple that had very different sexual needs. One partner wanted the slower pace and the other partner longed for more spontaneity. They chose not to ignore the issue, but agreed to have a talk and give a combination of the two approaches a shot. By a compromise, both could be satisfied they realized. It all boiled down to how to be clear and willing to compromise.
-
Example 2: A Lack of Intimacy
Another couple was at war because one person didn’t feel there was enough intimacy. They weren’t kissing and touching as much, but outside of sex. Someone felt distant and unloved. We talked about it and the other partner didn’t understand how it counted. Enough cuddling and affection during the day would quickly make their connection both emotionally and physically.
Conclusion
Talking with someone about sexual compatibility can be hard, and while it’s an important conversation to have for any relationship, talking about sexual compatibility can be hard. However, the potential for a stronger, more connected bond with your partner comes from finding an honest, respectful and relaxed position to approach it. Don’t be afraid to have these talks, sexual understanding and closeness can result from it.
Just know, it’s alright to take things one step at a time. There’s no need to have all the answers right away. Discuss, continue the conversation, try to learn, grow together.
Anonymous 
It can feel like you’re walking a tightrope when you are forced to speak of sexual compatibility. It’s not something many people like to do, but it’s important for developing strong, and health relationships. This conversation was hard for me and I learned a lot. So let’s take a look into what makes these talks hard, and how to do them better.
Why Sexual Compatibility Is So Hard To Talk About
Sexual compatibility has to do with linking together well in their intimate moments. This is about personal preferences, boundaries and how you express your wants. It’s not easy talking about it. Here's why:
Fear of Rejection: The biggest fear is what your partner will respond when you suggest a trial of joint custody. What if they don’t have the same interests or likes? Or worse how do you know they won’t be offended.
Uncertainty About Desires: You can be in some cases even don’t even know what you like or need. This can get in the way of explaining your thoughts well.
Embarrassment: The topic of sex can be uncomfortable to talk about so open, society often views them as a private topic. They may be worried about being judged.
Cultural or Social Pressure: Some people are conditioned about sex, and what the person their conditioned to have sex with may not line up with what they partner expects. This creates tension.
Related: What is the biggest problem in long-distance relationships?
How I Handled My Own Talk About Sexual Compatibility
When I had to talk to my partner about our sexual compatibility I remember a very s p e c i f i c time. It just didn’t feel quite right, and we’d dated for a few months already. The first thing was it wasn't all the way there. So I knew that I needed to address it.
At first, I felt nervous. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings and I didn’t know how to put it across. I figured honesty was key. If not, things may get worse.
Step 1: Choose the Right Moment
Timing matters. I didn’t want to bring this conversation up during an argument or while being distracted. It was us at home, relaxed, and in a safe space. We had the time and gravitas to have a serious talk.
Step 2: Be Honest but Gentle
I began the talk by saying what I was feeling. I told my partner that I loved being with them, but there was room for improvement in some of our sex life. Instead of blaming them for what they do, or words to that affect: “You don’t do this right,” I told them: “I really feel like there are things that we could go even further if we tried a couple new things.”
In this way I felt like I told them that it really had nothing to do with them as a person, but more so to improve our relationship as a whole.
Step 3: Ask and Listen
That wasn’t all that was about what I wanted. I also had to ask them how they felt. I would ask questions such as: “Is there anything that you’d like to try, or change?” and “How do you feel about our connection in the bedroom?”
This was just as important. You let them know that you were willing to listen to their thoughts and invest in that relationship to work for both of you.
Step 4: Set Boundaries and Respect Each Other’s Limits
Setting clear boundaries was one of the most important parts of this talk. I knew there were some things I wasn't comfortable with and told them. I respected their boundaries, as well, at the same time.
The most important thing that needs to be done is that neither partner felt unimportant and no one is forced into something they’re not ready to do.
Step 5: Keep the Conversation Going
You don’t figure out sexual compatibility in one conversation. It’s an ongoing process. After our talk we started staying in touch to follow up and see how things were going. And we were sure to also talk about what was working and wasn’t.
Related: How do small acts of kindness impact our daily interactions and relationships?
Improving Sexual Compatibility in a Relationship
If you’re struggling with sexual compatibility, here are some steps you can take to improve it:
Communicate Openly: Don’t avoid the topic. It won't quite be easy but you must talk openly about what you want, what you prefer, what you need.
Be Patient: Sexual compatibility doesn’t start right away. It’s okay; you will need time to understand.
Experiment Together: There are literally endless ways to touch each other, in new positions, or in new ways and trying new things can help you learn more about each other.
Respect Boundaries: Both partners should always feel comfortable. Nobody should be forced to do anything he or doesn’t want to do.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If the thing about sexual compatibility is deeper, think about speaking with a relationship or sex therapist. You will also be able to get strategies to better help you connect with them.
Keep the Emotional Connection Strong: Often the emotional attachment between partners equals the sexual compatibility. Revisit your bedroom, but also spend time nurturing your relationship outside the bedroom. The more emotional that you are, the stronger a physical connection will be.
A Few Real-Life Examples
Let me share a couple of real-life examples to help illustrate what these talks can look like:
Example 1: Different Needs in Bed
I know one couple that had very different sexual needs. One partner wanted the slower pace and the other partner longed for more spontaneity. They chose not to ignore the issue, but agreed to have a talk and give a combination of the two approaches a shot. By a compromise, both could be satisfied they realized. It all boiled down to how to be clear and willing to compromise.
Example 2: A Lack of Intimacy
Another couple was at war because one person didn’t feel there was enough intimacy. They weren’t kissing and touching as much, but outside of sex. Someone felt distant and unloved. We talked about it and the other partner didn’t understand how it counted. Enough cuddling and affection during the day would quickly make their connection both emotionally and physically.
Conclusion
Talking with someone about sexual compatibility can be hard, and while it’s an important conversation to have for any relationship, talking about sexual compatibility can be hard. However, the potential for a stronger, more connected bond with your partner comes from finding an honest, respectful and relaxed position to approach it. Don’t be afraid to have these talks, sexual understanding and closeness can result from it.
Just know, it’s alright to take things one step at a time. There’s no need to have all the answers right away. Discuss, continue the conversation, try to learn, grow together.